When I was a child, my mother used to tell me that I was an “angel” and that I had “a great future ahead of me”. She said this with such conviction that it stuck in my head. I believed her because she was always there for me when I needed her. She was a loving mother who made sure that I got the best education she could afford. She was always there for me when things were tough. When I became a teenager, she was still there for me and my friends.

As I grew older, my mother became ill. Her illness took a toll on her body and her mind. She had to quit working. The stress of being sick and not able to work caused her to become depressed. She would sit in her room all day, watching television and eating. She would not leave her room unless someone came to visit her. My father tried to get her out of her room but she refused to go anywhere. She stayed in her room until she died.

My mother’s illness also took a toll on our family. We all felt helpless and hopeless. It seemed as though nothing we did helped her get well. One day, I went into her room to see how she was doing. She was sitting in her chair staring blankly at the television. I asked her what she was thinking about. She said, “Nothing”. I asked her if she wanted to talk about anything. She said no. I asked her if she wanted me to read to her. She said no. I then asked her if she wanted me in her room. She said no. I told her that I loved her and that I would be there for her whenever she needed me. She just looked at me and said, “I don’t want you to come here anymore.” I left her room feeling hurt and confused. I knew that she was not happy with me. Why was she so angry? What was wrong with her?

I began to think about what she said. I realized that she was angry at herself. I thought that maybe she was angry at me because I was getting too close to her. Maybe I was too needy. Maybe I was taking her away from her friends. Maybe I was asking too many questions. Maybe I was too nosy. Maybe I was trying to take care of her when she didn’t want me to. Maybe I was trying to help her when she didn’t want help. Maybe I was trying to do too much for her. Maybe I was trying to fix her.

After I had a chance to think about what my mother said to me, I realized that she was afraid of dying. She was afraid of losing control of her life. She was afraid of losing her independence. She was afraid of being alone. She was afraid of becoming a burden to others. She was afraid of dying without anyone knowing. She was afraid of dying in pain. She was afraid of dying before she was ready. She was afraid of dying when she was still young. She was afraid of dying while she was still alive. She was afraid of dying alone. She was afraid of dying and not being remembered. She was afraid of dying too soon. She was afraid of dying because of me. She was afraid of dying after I was gone. She was afraid of dying the way she was living.

I realized that my mother was not angry at me. She was angry at herself. She was angry at the fact that she was not able to enjoy her life. She was angry at the pain she was in. She was angry at the loneliness she felt. She was angry at the fear she felt. She was angry because she was afraid of dying.

My mother was not angry at me because I was too close to her. She was angry at me because I did not understand her feelings. She was angry at me for not being able to see that she was hurting. She was angry at me and she was afraid of me.

I realized that I had to make some changes in my life. I had to learn to respect my mother’s feelings. I had to learn to accept her feelings and her fears. I had to learn to let her be angry with herself instead of me. I had to learn to listen to my mother instead of trying to fix her problems. I had to learn to love her even when she was angry with me. I had to learn that I was not responsible for her feelings. I had to learn that she was not responsible for my feelings. I had to learn not to try to fix her problems. I could not fix her problems. I could only love her.

If I wanted to change my relationship with my mother, I had to change myself. I had to learn to trust her. I had to learn to be patient with her. I had to learn that there are things in life that I cannot change. I had to learn to give up trying to change other people. I had to learn to relax. I had to learn to smile more. I had to learn to laugh more. I had to learn not be so serious. I had to learn to enjoy my life. I had to live my life the way my mother wanted me to live it. I had to learn to stop trying to change my mother. I had to learn to have faith in God. I had to learn to believe in God. I had to believe that God would take care of my mother. I had to believe that I was an angel sent by God to help my mother.

I had to learn to be grateful for the gifts I received. I had to learn to appreciate my life. I had to stop trying to change my life. I had to let go of the past. I had to let go the hurts and disappointments. I had to let go my anger. I had to let go all the things I could not change. I had to let go and trust God. I had to learn that God is in control of everything. I had to learn that my mother was in control of her life. I had to learn that her life was in her hands. I had to learn that it was not my job to fix her problems. I did not know how to fix her problems. I only knew how to love her.

I had to let go of the anger and the hate. I had to learn to forgive my mother. I had to let go. I had to learn to live my life the way God wanted me to live it.

I had to start trusting my mother again. I had to learn to open my heart to her. I had to learn how to love my mother again. I had learned how to love my mother when I was a child. I had forgotten how to love my mother. I had to remember how to love my mother.

I started to change my life. I changed my attitude toward my mother. I started to trust her again. I started to smile again. I started to laugh again. I started to relax again. I started to let go of the past again. I started to let God take care of my mother.

I changed my attitude toward my mother and I changed my life. I started to trust my mother again. I started to love my mother again.

 

Wandji Nguemako
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